Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Which Orlandoan Spirit Animal Are You?

Sometimes, you just need a little guidance in your life. If that $20 bill you set aside for the palm reader got stolen at BarBQ Bar last weekend, fret not. Here is your own set of Orlando spirit animals to help you through this adventure we call life. Read on and discover your destiny: 

Drunken Monkey

Is that you showing off your ankles in those skinny jeans, reading Kurt Vonnegut? If you're adjusting your horn-rimmed glasses while reading this on your MacBook (sorry, MacBook Pro), then the Drunken Monkey may be your Orlandoan spirit animal. Coffee is your life energy, as is anything with "tofu scramble" in it. You don't mind going against the grain and don't like to be told what to do, unless it's a suggestion for which kombucha to try next. Your lucky number is 5: the number of short stories you started writing but "weren't feeling."

Hammered Lamb

You're a Downtown girl working your way to Park Ave. At this geographical and metaphorical midpoint you may consider yourself a Hammered Lamb. You may think you're just as youthful as when you left the Panhandle, but your social habits are getting the better of you. Time to slow down a little...but not too much. After all, as Miley says, it's always gonna be an uphill battle. Your lucky number is 3: the number of margaritas that guy at the end of the bar has bought you.

Thirsty Topher

Wait, what the hell is a topher? 

Smiling Bison

You're outdoorsy and sophisticated, hiding an immense knowledge of craft beer, sausage, and local underground hip hop under that flannel shirt. A Smiling Bison, you enjoy a hefty meal, and often save a little in your beard for later. You're an upbeat person, until they're out of that imperial stout you've been hankering for. Your lucky number is 63: The number of obscure vinyls you bought last year. 

Funky Monkey

You're an amalgam of fun: from late nights Downtown to early mornings at the beach, you're up for anything. A city chameleon, you adapt to any situation with gusto. You know that trees that don't bend won't last the storm, so you take things easy. So go ahead, you Funky Monkey. Take off that that paisley shirt and put on that Dolly Parton wig. You do you, babe. Your lucky number is 8: the number of characters you can switch into at any moment.

Red Lobster

You like to play it safe, and that's OK. You love butter-based sauces like a suburban mom loves a good deal at Ross. (Who am I kidding, we all do.) Like your spirit animal, the Red Lobster, you like to inhabit the calming waters of managed expectations. You are a creature of habit and responsibility. Your lucky number is 3: the number of screaming kids in your back seat. 

Ravenous Pig

Being a Ravenous Pig, you devour everything in your path. But wait, is this local and in season? You might be a big ol' hog, but you can be as picky as a nibbling little rabbit. You have a keen sense of taste that makes you enjoy life to its fullest. Your lucky number is 46: the number of Tums you chew in a week. 

Black Sheep

You're a creator at heart, and just like a Black Sheep you stand out from the crowd--in this case, for your ability to pinpoint the latest trend in needlecrafts. Your swift-handedness is matched only by your ability to learn both new stitches and the secrets of those around you. Back stitch, chain stitch, French knot; you wonder if Suzanne's told her husband about the case of herpes she caught in Cancun last summer. Your lucky number is 15: the number of scarves you have left to knit before Christmas. 

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